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Tennis
Author
3 Oct
I self harmed for the first time in almost 9 months... That's the longest I've ever gone. And now I feel like even more of a failure. I tried so hard not to do it, I was having an internal battle for hours and it all ended like that anyway! Why am I so stupid????
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Whale
3 Oct
Hi Amy, you are not stupid. You simply chose an unhealthy coping strategy. What did you find helped you during the 9 months that you stopped? Can you access that support again?
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Tennis
Author
3 Oct
Hello Michelle, honestly I'm not 100% sure what stopped me. I had the urges, but I was able to talk myself down and distract myself from doing it. Today I just wasn't able to do it. And it frustrates me because I don't know what triggered it and why I couldn't talk myself down.
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Whale
3 Oct
I mean it would be helpful to understand what was different this time in order to recognise the signs in the future tho don’t beat yourself up about this. The fact that you are seeking advice suggests to me that you don’t want to do it again so I would recommend accessing support where you can maybe talk to someone when things get too much for you. Samaritans are great and accessible 24/7 on 116223. I’m not aware of any self harm helplines tho I’m sure they exist.
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Hedgehog
3 Oct
Self harm is awful. I know. I sent a long and tight cyber hug to you of love and comfort. I started cutting at age 52. It continued for about 2 years and has been gone for around 7 or 8 years. For me, self harm is not attempted suicide, it was punishment. The core reason/motivation was that I hated myself, was throughly disgusted with myself, repulsed, ashamed, revolted for the bad, the evil, the horrible things I did to others and to myself in a life of destructive addictions. The turning point was when I realized there was/are two separate but connected parts of me. I asked, "If I hate myself then who, what part, was hating and what part was hated." I saw two of me, which was the true, the core self: the hated one or the one hating. Then I labeled both parts. The 'I' that hated and the 'I' that was hated. I labeled them as the true (core) self who was was disgusted with the conditioned, the created self that had/has been shaped by life experiences. As with most all of us, life conditions have included negative stuff, as in trauma, failures, disappointments, pain, etc. When I abide in the true self, there is peace, joy, completeness, light and love. So my path now is to walk in the true self, the one I was born with, not the one shaped by life. Yes, I meditate a lot.
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