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Hamster
Author
7 Sep
High reactivity day today. It's likely worse due to hormones, but it's difficult today. I'm having a lot of anxiety. Can't focus on anything and wanting to push everyone away while simultaneously feeling like people I care about don't care back. I'm so sad and so hurt and so angry and anxious. I want to be productive but can't stop my wheels spinning long enough to commit to a direction. I know that this is going to spiral to health anxiety later and asocial behaviour. I have the screaming thought that I NEED... but there's nothing coming to mind to finish the statement so I can find a direction. Or maybe too many things? I dunno what I'm thinking. The feels are too big and are clouding everything. Going to try to meditate for a while, but every time I slow down today, I find myself crying. I may do a bit of gaming to distract myself until I can pick a track and push myself to do something today. I have so much on my plate. I can't afford to have these kinds of days. I've worked too hard to get my shit together. I know I need to be kind and compassionate to myself, but my rage is looking for a focus. Probably gaming is the best route for now. 😋 Ugh.
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6 Replies
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Fox
Guide
7 Sep
It’s always good to have distractions. And to keep busy. But it’s so easy to fall into that trap of anxiety and depression.
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Whale
8 Sep
You sound like you have a strategy and know what you need to do. Try not to be hard on yourself for having days like these. Maybe your body/ mind is telling you to slow down or express your needs.
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Hamster
Author
8 Sep
Thanks Steve. I've got so many things to distract me. I even made a "Depression wall" in my apartment as an art installation and wrote it a poem. Not during this past hard day, but during some dark times. I had such a hard time slowing my thoughts so I could pick any activity, and my emotions were so big. I'm still struggling to maintain composure with lots of little things causing over the top emotional responses, but I'm controlling my behaviours (not great self-care but no self-destruction either! Unless you count cutting my hair but I think I did a great job! The dye job I have planned is likely another reactionary behaviour... hmm. Self reflection time.) Anyways, thank you for your words.
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Fox
Guide
8 Sep
It’s good you have thinks to distract you. And that’s a good idea a wall full of art. Can help to write positive quotes to look at to. Or pick one from lots written and stick that one on the wall that day.
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Hamster
Author
8 Sep
Thank yiu too Michelle. Strategy wasn't there so much. Lol It was a spray and pray! Throw out all the ideas and see what sticks. Tried to gear them towards my unidentified needs and steering myself back on track before things totally derailed. Thankfully I was able to rein things in enough to get comfortable, but I had to abandon the idea of doing anything I needed to do for the day. Took a while to find peace with that, but fighting with myself wasn't creating any winners in the situation. I started homework Monday night, realized it was above my capabilities to follow along and it was making me frustrated, angry, and resentful, so I got some sleep, got up early and plowed into it. It was a productive day today, despite the pressures of not doing anything constructive Monday. I think I've even managed to find a workaround for a particularly troublesome thing I've been overthinking (although as a bonus, it's led to procrasti-cleaning!) I'm still trying to get through this rough patch, but I am more confident it will only last a couple days. Plus a ridiculous impulse purchase came in the maik today so now I hsve a fuzzy blue unicorn hat with ears that flap, so I'm calling it an adulting win. Lol Possibly a BPD fail, but my ears will be both warm, and extra expressive. 😁
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Whale
9 Sep
Procrasti-cleaning! I love it. You have verbalised what I do too when I have a particularly hard task to attempt. Extra win for your ears! Love it 😍 Im glad you finally had a productive day and also feel positive that this bad spell won’t last too long. Several wins there. Im proud of you!
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