Anybody else feel the constant need to be ‘good’ at something, just to receive validation from your spouse? I don’t feel like I even have an identity anymore
You write, "I don't feel like I even an identity anymore." That certainly is a monster symptom of BPD. That one troubles me close to insanity. I'm the kid who never knew what I wanted to do when I grew up. (Unfortunately, two weeks until I reach 70 years old, I am not growed up yet and still don't know who the hell I am.) Extreme codependency seems to accompany BPD. I also have Dependent Personality Disorder--a double whammy! In the long run, however, I need to validate myself. Self concept, esteem, and validation must dwell within. Having a self helps, but the fact is I do have a self. I only FEEL like I don't. On a deeper level, when I look to find a self within who/what is doing the looking? Can I see me? Can mind discern mind? When I look for me is my vision cloudy? Probably. How can I see myself when there is no 'I' looking? I best shut up now.
Larry, I was the same kid… everyone else knew exactly what they wanted to be, or what path they wished to travel. I always thought that it would just ‘come to me’ one day and I would magically know who I was. I’m still very much learning about my BPD. I was diagnosed as being emotionally unstable 3 years ago, although I’ve known there was something wrong for a long time. Self validation seems to be one of the biggest mountains to climb. You take 2 steps forward and then wonder if those 2 steps were even deserved and straight back down again. Thank you for reaching out and certainly don’t shut up :)
If my brain was not defective then I might think clearly instead of getting tangled in stupid thoughts tripping over each and getting lost. If my brain worked properly then maybe it could relax my run-havic emotions. Darn, I just entered the land of Oz, the if-only-I-had syndrome. HELP!
Defective brains often see the world differently to others. Able to understand the bigger picture, not judge and be open, where many would be so closed minded. So although we go through these horrible battles on a daily basis, the ability to have wider, kinder eyes is a positive.